Dan Petito

Against My Better Judgement, I Watched The Point Break Remake

I did this to myself

Point Break was remade in 2015, continuing the trend of Hollywood ruining just about everything that’s sacred. I can list many recent things that have been butchered beyond their beloved originals’ recognition (I’m sure you can too), but the only one that truly matters to me is Point Break — a movie about two uneaten meatball sandwiches.

Now if you know me you know I’ll watch just about anything. I’m often a staunch defender of things like Lake Placid 3 and Jersey Shore Shark Attack, but this isn’t a “so bad it’s good” conversation; mostly because the word ‘good’ should never have any association with 2015’s Point Break. It’s just really really bad.

Screen Shot 2018-02-18 at 3.04.05 PM

Well said, Soren. While his take is paraphrased, there really isn’t much more to it than that.

To give some context around all this, I will die on this hill defending the fact that Point Break is the greatest movie ever made. With that said you can understand my trepidation around even entertaining the idea of watching the remake. Truth be told I sought it out, like I said I never would. I very much regret this decision.

As much as the original Point Break is about surfing, bank robberies and Patrick Swayze’s picture-perfect mane, the remake is about free-falling off mountains, senseless brooding and yacht parties featuring Steve Aoki. Yea.

A few extremely bogus things to note:

  1. Angelo Pappas is British
  2. There’s about two total minutes of surfing extreme surfing
  3. Bodhi and his less cool band of bonehead followers have a mini fight club (because apparently it’s super-spiritual to beat the shit out of your friends)
  4. Actual line from movie – Utah: “Before I joined the FBI I was an extreme sports poly-athlete”

You read the above quote right. Johnny Utah was in fact an extreme sports poly-athlete prior to joining the FBI. As it turns out, Bodhi is also an extreme sports poly-athlete (sort of I guess).

Bodhi and his goons are attempting something called the Ozaki 8, a dumb made up thing consisting of eight batshit crazy stunts to honor the forces of nature. To me, this movie might have been more palatable if it were just called Ozaki 8 and had nothing to do with Point Break — I certainly would have been spared the pain of watching it.

For reasons that are pretty unclear, Bodhi and his cronies are committing crimes while attempting these batshit crazy things.

Just read this Utah quote:

“I believe that, like me, the people behind these robberies are extreme athletes, using their skills to disrupt the international financial markets, and they don’t care who gets killed in the process.”

Yea…

How stealing and destroying money elevates their chances to better connect with Mother Nature I do not know. The original Point Break was pretty darn simple, a group of surfers rob banks to fund their endless summer. Here, a group of brooding adrenaline junkies that listen to really bad music do batshit crazy stunts (because mother nature) and destroy the money and treasures they steal (because terribly under-explained reasons).

Nowhere does any of this really start to make any kind of sense. To make matters worse, Bodhi and Utah are just plain unlikable. Just when you think they might sprinkle in some humor or attempt to make either of them the least bit interesting we’re thrown into a wing suit race off the top of a ravine in the Alps; usually preceded by Bodhi saying something enigmatically prophetic.

The level of awful around the acting in this movie makes me think priority was given to actors with the most difficult to place accent, coupled with whoever looked the best with their shirt off. Bonus points for gritty tattoos of snakes, dragons or Chinese proverbs; extra bonus points for the tannest bro with all three.

Here’s the original Point Break introducing Bodhi:

Now here’s the remake introducing him:

You get it now.

Unsurprisingly, right after that scene in the remake we’re quickly dropped onto the top of a snow-capped mountain and slapped right in the face with an extreme snowboarding scene.

And that’s ultimately what the Point Break remake is, a steaming pile of bigger is better and nothing else matters; “nothing else” in this case being just about everything that made the original so good.

Things like this:

And this:

No-one is happy in this remake. As a result of watching it I’m unsure when exactly I might be happy again.

I’ll leave you with the below picture again — a picture that both accurately represents how you will feel while watching this movie, and how you will absolutely feel for a currently undetermined amount of time afterwards.

Screen Shot 2018-02-22 at 2.56.01 PM

Don’t be like me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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