Dan Petito Uncategorized

Deep Blue Sea 2 Might Just Be The Worst Movie Ever Made

What did I just watch?

LL Cool J is not in this movie. That was the first thing I said to myself after watching Deep Blue Sea 2. After that I said a few more things to myself—preceded by a moment or two of silence once the credits started rolling—staring at the screen in uncomfortably sincere confusion as to what I just spent the last 72 minutes of my life watching.

Similarly, these were the sorts of things I said to myself after I first watched Battlefield Earth; a movie whose only redeeming quality was John Travolta, dressed throughout as the last guy I cut in the bathroom line at a Phish concert:

Screen Shot 2018-05-12 at 1.46.02 PM

Now expectations for Syfy original movies are never high, but the ones that are tolerably entertaining are those that fully embrace the fact that they’re actually SyFy original movies — Deep Blue Sea 2 does not do that. Besides ignoring the obvious fact of embracing it’s own ‘cheese’, the most glaring problem is the fact that it is (offensively) an exact replica of the original Deep Blue Sea; all the while completely dismissing the events that came before it. If you haven’t seen the first Deep Blue Sea, it’s a revenge tale about LL Cool J seeking justice for the death of his pet bird.

I’ll let random YouTube commenter lazyperfectionist1 take the wheel for a moment:

Screen Shot 2018-05-12 at 2.34.14 PM

I really couldn’t agree more with lazyperfectionist1. He even italicized ‘land.’ His comment does, however, welcome the question of, who would want to see a movie about shark researchers that are perfectly safe from sharks?

So we have this billionaire Pharma CEO (stand-in Samuel L Jackson) setting the table for the movie by revealing early on that his company is one of the leading producers of intelligence enhancers — a really badly named device that can alter the genetic structure of the brain and somehow position humanity to win an impending war versus machines. Yeah.

Apart from somehow ending up sharing the plot of Terminator, as lazyperfectionist1 so eloquently pointed out, Deep Blue Sea 2 is set in an underwater research facility where the testing of these badly named devices on bull sharks takes place. To absolutely no one’s surprise the sharks, once again, get smarter. Who would have thought sharks would gain increased intelligence when implanted with something called an intelligence enhancer? Hilariously, this was treated as a revelation when it became clear the sharks were becoming more intelligent; a surprising response from a crew revealed to be among the smartest minds in their respective fields. Man this movie is bad.

The only small piece of entertainment is the Pharma CEO seizing every opportunity he can to keep yelling the Terminator plot at his surrounding colleagues. Towards the end of the movie one of the lab areas they’re in starts flooding from the sharks attempting to break through the door locks. One of his employees starts screaming for help as the sharks surround them and Durant (Pharma CEO) shouts AI and quantum computing jargon at her. There’s nothing more reassuring than the promise of winning humanities war against the machines that you won’t ever live to see because you’re about to be eaten by a shark.

As the research facility comes under heavier attack, Pharma CEO grabs his IT guy—a character who should not be alive this late in the movie—and declares:

“I know I told you to never save my research to the cloud, but I would now like you to go ahead and do that. Please save my research to the cloud.”

Who says this?

Do something else with your 72 minutes, please. Staring at your TV while its off for that amount of time may very well be a better alternative. Unless of course, like me, you’re just too curious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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