Dan Petito Uncategorized

Deep Blue Sea 2 Might Just Be The Worst Movie Ever Made

What did I just watch?

LL Cool J is not in this movie.

That was the first thing I said to myself after watching Deep Blue Sea 2. After that I said a few more things to myself—preceded by a moment or two of silence once the credits started rolling—staring at the screen in uncomfortably sincere confusion as to what I just spent the last 72 minutes of my life watching.

Similarly, these were the sorts of things I said to myself after I first watched Battlefield Earth; a movie whose only redeeming quality was John Travolta, dressed throughout as the last guy I cut in the bathroom line at a Phish concert:

Screen Shot 2018-05-12 at 1.46.02 PM

Now expectations for Syfy original movies are never high, but the ones that are tolerably entertaining are those that fully embrace the fact that they’re actually SyFy original movies—Deep Blue Sea 2 does not do that. Besides that, the most glaring problem is the fact that it is (offensively) an exact replica of the original Deep Blue Sea, all the while completely dismissing the events that came before it. If you haven’t seen the first Deep Blue Sea its a revenge tale about LL Cool J seeking justice for the death of his pet bird.

I’ll let random YouTube commenter lazyperfectionist1 take the wheel for a moment:

Screen Shot 2018-05-12 at 2.34.14 PM

I really couldn’t agree more with lazyperfectionist1. He even italicized land. Though I’d ask, who would go see a movie about shark researchers that are perfectly safe from sharks?

So we have this billionaire Pharma CEO (stand-in Samuel L Jackson) setting the table for the movie by revealing early on that his company is one of the leading producers of intelligence enhancers — a really badly named device that can alter the genetic structure of the brain and somehow position humanity to win an impending war versus machines. Yeah.

Apart from somehow ending up sharing the plot of Terminator, as lazyperfectionist1 so eloquently pointed out, Deep Blue Sea 2 is set in an underwater research facility where the testing of these badly named devices on bull sharks takes place. To absolutely no one’s surprise the sharks, once again, got smarter. In the end there’s nothing particularly revelatory about sharks getting smarter as a result of being given something called an intelligence enhancer.

The only shed of entertainment in this movie is this Pharma CEO seizing every opportunity he can to keep yelling the Terminator plot at people. At one point a character emphasizes how scared she is because they’re locked in a flooded room surrounded by sharks and he starts shouting AI and quantum computing jargon at her. There’s nothing more reassuring than the promise of winning humanities war against the machines that you won’t ever live to see because you’re about to be eaten by a shark.

In line with the makeup of a really bad movie, especially a SyFy original movie, Deep Blue Sea 2 is riddled with cringeworthy (and never intentionally cringeworthy) dialogue. Here is perhaps one of the most ridiculous lines of dialogue I believe I’ve ever heard delivered in a movie. As the research facility comes under heavier attack from the Ivy League bull sharks, Pharma CEO grabs the IT guy—a character who should not still be alive this late in the movie—and declares:

“I know I told you to never save my research to the cloud, but I would now like you to go ahead and do that. Please save my research to the cloud.”

Who says this?

Like all other bad movies I’ve seen and written about in some form I believe I’ve already said way more than I should.

So go do something else with your 72 minutes, please. Staring at your TV while its off for that amount of time may very well be a better alternative. Unless of course, like me, your weakness and lingering curiosity of any digital form of entertainment too often gets the better of you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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